Monkey see, monkey do!

Just thought I'd quickly post to share a fun new first my Buddy had this weekend! He desperately wanted to learn to do the monkey bars. Like, would NOT stop trying!

So, here are his attempts. Dressed in parts of his pirate costume, of course. Because what trip to the park is complete without a costume?

He was trying, just needed a better start! Also, those pirate pants look ridiculous.

The legs swinging part was especially bad advice on my part. Sometimes I just say things without thinking through them!

Hooray! He succeeded in the end! My awesome kiddo has been getting so much more physically advanced recently, I'm super proud!

Earth Day---ish?

Okay, anyone who is still reading... so pictures didn't EXACTLY happen right after my fun day on Saturday. But... that's because I had so much fun I didn't have time to stop and take pictures! (Also I had so much fun I was exhausted and pretty much couldn't function for a good half a day!)

So on Saturday (not exactly Earth Day, but as close as 4 families could get in their schedules...) one of my few mommy friends organized an Earth Day clean-up of Memorial Park, which is a lovely park that apparently gets really trashed quite often. Buddy and I went, and really enjoyed ourselves! Buddy got to go garbage hunting with his friend:

And of course, they happened to find the most amusing item of the clean-up! They found an *ahem* ADULT movie. And then his friend brought it to me so I could read him the title, in case he wanted to watch it! OHMYGOSH I about died. And quickly hid the nude-picture filled case from inquisitive eyes. In the garbage bag.

Anyway, after that fun adventure, the boys eventually lost interest in picking up trash. Turns out, the park wasn't that messy this year! Which is good, but also in a weird way totally a let-down. When you want to do a good deed and it turns out to be unnecessary, it makes you feel a little bummed!

So obviously, the boys turned to playing ninjas.

(my kid is the one doing the grafity-defying leap!)

After that, we had a cook out with all the families, and I really got to meet some other parents who think like me (which is amazing) and don't judge me for my age (even more amazing)! I left feeling totally refreshed and happy, and also pretty sunburned.

But sunburn be damned, because I had promised another good friend I would go out that night! So I dropped the kiddo at Grandpa's house, and went out to listen to my friend's dad's band. (That's a weird sentence to write.) We danced for hours and hours and I was so exhausted but had such a good time!

Anyway, long story short, I socialized this weekend. And I didn't freak out (much... except for at the end of the band show thingy) and I enjoyed myself, and Buddy got to hang out with friends! And I hope this is the start of things looking up for me. I really hope it is!!!

I'm promising to post cheerful, lovely, Buddy-related things tomorrow.

Because I got ridiculous this week and begged my daddy to let me come stay in my childhood bedroom, where for some reason I decided I would be able to sleep. And I did!!!! 2 nights of 6+ hours of sleep, it feels amazing and I have energy and today I drove in my car and was listening to music at the same time and actually sang along and enjoyed it and I wasn't worried about driving!!!

So Buddy and I are going to enjoy our Earth Day celebration tomorrow, we're going to have a fun playdate with one of his good friends, then tomorrow night I'm going to get together with one of my friends who I haven't seen in FOREVER (Amber, you live only 1/2 hour away, going 2 months apart is not acceptable!) and it's all gonna be great!









(...as long as I sleep tonight. Which I'm not worrying about, since I know that makes it worse, I'm not even thinking about it, I swear...)

Dear God,

I know that in the past I haven't always behaved perfectly. I have messed up plenty of jobs, screwed up plenty of semesters of school, probably not taken care of my son as well as I should have...

But I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I have a job. I try to do the best I can at it. I care about the kids I work with, and try to think of things they would enjoy doing. I work hard at school. I want to get this new degree, and be able to find some sort of job/career in which I can actually use the things I'm really good at, instead of just stumbling by in some minimum wage job.

I have been sleeping poorly for at least a month. I got sleeping pills from my doctor last week, and I'm still staying up half the night. For instance: Saturday night I chose not to go out with my friends, since drinking too much alcohol is (obviously) not good for my anxiety. I still stayed up till 3am, worried that I had alienated my friends. Sunday I stayed up til 5am, and had to wake up around 6:30. Monday night (thank God) I slept from 12 midnight till 6:30, but that really didn't make up for all the hours I have missed.

Tonight, it's 11:40. My heart races just thinking about trying to lay in bed and fall asleep. I tried to read a book in bed earlier, just being in my bedroom made me so nervous I had to take a walk around my block.

I want this all to get better. I want to be able to be a great parent to my son, a great student, a great worker... and I worry (go figure) that the longer I am unable to cope with all of this, the more of my goals will fall to the wayside.

I'm going to see a therapist weekly, I'm working with a doctor to find decent meds, I'm trying to be more aware of my diet, I'm focusing on getting in more exercise...

I hope sometime soon it all works.
Sorry for my first post back to be a negative one. I'm just CRAZY frustrated and trying to do all the right things, and none of it is working. It makes me want to scream.

Y'all, I'm tired.

I started this blog thinking I'd be more accessible. That my friends and family who live out-of-state or who just aren't in constant contact with me could keep up with what was going on in my life.

That said, I also made a conscious decision to keep my blog light-hearted. To talk about all the fun that Buddy and I have, all the great things in our life. And I hoped that people would want to hear, that people would be interested in finding out about how we made our unconventional life completely comfortable.

Except. As I go through statistics, the posts that get read the most are the ones where I'm a whiney, tired, lazy bitch. People like to hear that I'm struggling. People love a challenge. But people (at least the ones who read here) don't love to offer words of encouragement, to support, to empathize... I can get 100 people to read my posts and not one comment.

I'm tired. My personal health isn't that great right now, and it's affecting how I act towards others. I don't have the energy to fake cheerfulness anymore. I barely have the energy to do my dishes. I certainly don't have the energy to write, post pictures, and share my life. Especially with voyeurs who apparently enjoy my suffering but don't want to offer me any strength.

This blog is going offline. I don't think too many people will mind, and I hope to come back stronger, healthier, and happier than before. Buddy is doing great, and will continue to thrive thanks to the support of some close friends and family.

I look forward to being in a better place where I can write - and enjoy the process of writing - again. Until then, I hope things go well for all of you! And I hope you wish the same for me :)

Good Weather :)

I love sun. Seriously, having it be sunny the past few weeks has been lovely. And Buddy loves it too! It's that time of year where we can start taking bike rides again, and going to our favorite parks, and drawing with chalk, and taking walks, and we love that.

I have a hard time getting myself out of the house these days, but every time I grudgingly tie my shoes to go outside thinking "the kid better be grateful to me for this", it turns out to be good for me. So I guess, I better be grateful to him for getting my lazy, crazy butt off the couch and outside into the sun!

So, thanks Buddy! 

Sparkly!

Today, my child participated in the Bull Falls Brewery Honor Flight 5K Run/Walk with his grandpa. And that was pretty awesome! He apparently ran a good mile and a half of it, and then walked or got carried on Grandpa's shoulders for the rest. But for a 5 year old, I'd say that's pretty awesome!

Of course, I missed it. I had a 4-hour long class in the morning (yes, on a Saturday) and then had to go straight to an event sponsored by my work. And I was all disappointed.

But then, to cheer myself up, I decided to paint my nails. Cuz, ya know, I'm a girl, and that kind of stuff makes me happy. And I guess I wasn't paying too much attention, because a while later I looked over to realize that:

 Shiloh had given himself beautiful nails as well!

He even copied momma, "Look I did purple sparkly lines just like you!"

I laughed a lot, but then made him let me take it off before he got the (still wet) nail polish all over everything. Plus, we have church in the morning!

But I'll always have the pictures for blackmail :)