Tuesday, February 25, 2014


Winter is hard on everyone, but I feel especially crazy right now. I'm trying to take one of my last college classes actually in-class, and every single time I have to go it's like the hardest thing in the world. I seriously cry on my way there, cry trying to walk in the doors, cry if I think the teacher might talk to me...

I am really lucky that I finally bit the bullet and went to disability services to ask for help getting my degree finished up. Otherwise I'm almost sure I would have just given up this semester entirely.

Unfortunately for me, the worst month of the year is also when my birthday is. And for some really immature, selfish reason... it always makes me feel like absolute garbage when no one goes out of their way to celebrate with me. I'm one of those annoying birthday people who just REALLY WANTS someone to make it into a big deal, and then when it doesn't happen I get unreasonably upset, even though I have been reminding myself for the whole month that it's OK if people forget and it's not their fault, (IT'S MY PARENT'S FAULT FOR NOT THINKING THE TIMING THROUGH WHEN THEY GOT PREGNANT I WILL ON PURPOSE SCHEDULE ALL FUTURE BIRTHS SEPT-NOV or APRIL-JUNE BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE ONLY GOOD BIRTHDAYS GAAAAAAAH) and then I have totally lost it and am sobbing because my dad remembered to buy me a cake, but it was 5 days late and not just because he couldn't see me before then but because he honestly didn't think about it and I am crying and want to throw a tantrum although I know it is totally stupid because I DON'T EVEN LIKE CAKE SO WHO CARES???

Anyway, like I said, this is a crazy time of year for me. I also have a terrible driving phobia (which of course gets worse in the winter) so I try not to drive on the highway because I'm convinced it will equal immediate death... so when every few weeks I have to drive out past Stevens Point to go pick up Shi from his dad I start panicking a day in advance. This inevitably ends with me calling Shiloh's dad and begging him to drive Shi back, which for whatever reason he refuses to do (seriously, how can you "honestly only have $7 to last you the next 2 weeks" every time I ask? If that is true, you need to figure out a different way of life, and fast) and then I cry in the car while clenching my hands around the steering wheel and tensing my shoulders up so high that by the time I am actually back home 2 hours later, I am in immense pain as well as on the verge of mental breakdown.

I want to be healed. I know it's a process, I know I'm making progress, but it just feels so slow and painful that often it seems like I'm not getting anywhere. Frustrating.

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