Dear God,

I know that in the past I haven't always behaved perfectly. I have messed up plenty of jobs, screwed up plenty of semesters of school, probably not taken care of my son as well as I should have...

But I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I have a job. I try to do the best I can at it. I care about the kids I work with, and try to think of things they would enjoy doing. I work hard at school. I want to get this new degree, and be able to find some sort of job/career in which I can actually use the things I'm really good at, instead of just stumbling by in some minimum wage job.

I have been sleeping poorly for at least a month. I got sleeping pills from my doctor last week, and I'm still staying up half the night. For instance: Saturday night I chose not to go out with my friends, since drinking too much alcohol is (obviously) not good for my anxiety. I still stayed up till 3am, worried that I had alienated my friends. Sunday I stayed up til 5am, and had to wake up around 6:30. Monday night (thank God) I slept from 12 midnight till 6:30, but that really didn't make up for all the hours I have missed.

Tonight, it's 11:40. My heart races just thinking about trying to lay in bed and fall asleep. I tried to read a book in bed earlier, just being in my bedroom made me so nervous I had to take a walk around my block.

I want this all to get better. I want to be able to be a great parent to my son, a great student, a great worker... and I worry (go figure) that the longer I am unable to cope with all of this, the more of my goals will fall to the wayside.

I'm going to see a therapist weekly, I'm working with a doctor to find decent meds, I'm trying to be more aware of my diet, I'm focusing on getting in more exercise...

I hope sometime soon it all works.
Sorry for my first post back to be a negative one. I'm just CRAZY frustrated and trying to do all the right things, and none of it is working. It makes me want to scream.

Anxiety Anger!

Ok guys, so I've been really vocal recently about my depression. And how aware I am of it, and the ways I'm trying to stop it from taking over my life...

But right now the anxiety part of me is going INSANE! Like, I skipped class today. (Don't worry guys, my teachers stream their classes online. So I watched the classes on my computer in real time, just at home.) It wasn't for any good reason. I woke up on time, I showered, got dressed, Buddy was all cooperative and we got out the door fine. His school is right across from mine.

However, anxiety popped in. Since I'm at a tech college the pace of classes is sort of... slow. And I understand that some students need that, so I'm okay with it. But I'm a fidget-er, and a multi-tasker, so what started out as an obsession with highlighting "key subjects" has basically turned into a 5 page coloring book in the back of my notebook, and I turn to it every time the professors go off on tangents or have to re-explain ideas for the millionth time. I honestly thought about bringing a bona-fide coloring book with me, but I thought if my professors noticed they might be pissed.

So I worry that other students think I'm snooty since I'm not compulsively taking notes. (FYI, I read and highlight the chapters ahead of time too, usually. So I come to class with most of the ideas for the day solidified already. Which I should stop doing, but I also worry that I might get behind for some reason, so I want to get as far ahead as possible.)

I also worry because we get in class time to do "exercises", and as usual it takes me literally 1/4 of the time as all the other students to complete the work. I thought I had gotten used to this at my old college, but at least then I could leave when I was finished! And I feel so condescending being finished with everything and just kind of staring off into nowhere...

Anyways, class isn't so bad. But I get so nervous about what all the other students think of me that I can hardly stand to walk into the classroom! And this is week 2. Providing the teachers continue to stream all their classes live on the computer, maybe I'll only have to really show up for tests...

Dear God. Please help me overcome all my crazy-stupid-paranoid-depressed head garbage. And if not, help me find a great doctor or therapist or whatever who can help! Because try as I might, it's not going that well alone.

New Closet!

My landlord is finally finishing my Buddy's closet! He started building a closet in Buddy's room (which used to be just a "bonus room") before we moved in, and worked on it a few times after we were here.

Then, after not hearing from him (except for paying him my rent every month!) since October, he randomly called me on Tuesday! So he came over yesterday and put in doors, then today came over again and took them off to finish up the trim! Anyway, it's not complete quite yet, but hopefully Buddy will soon have a real closet and we'll be able to store toys and things in there rather than in stacks against the walls :)

Other than that, School started this week but it hasn't been TOO bad yet. I've been spending more time with friends, which I thought would be good for me but I'm not sure yet if it helps or just makes me feel resentful. Which is a lame way to feel, because my friends deserve good things, and easy things... and they certainly have their own issues to deal with. Depression/anxiety makes me selfish, I guess.

*STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT BORING SELF-ANALYSIS GARBAGE*

Speaking of, I feel like I can fight off the depression, but the anxiety is never ending. Today I had a panic attack because I didn't understand a 4-point assignment and only got 2 out of 4 points. That's me being a perfectionist (I calculated that I could only miss 20 points this semester and still be sure of an A) and also me being nuts, because the assignment was about being capable of using the computer program so since I'm obviously not getting it, I can probably just go in to my teacher and get help and get it fixed.

Guys, please help me monitor my levels of crazy. I thought I needed to talk to a Dr. about my depression, but suddenly that seems at least a little more maneagable, it's just the anxiety which is crippling. But how can I be sure that next week they won't flip-flop again?

I swear, this weekend Buddy and I will do fun things. And I will post about fun things. And no rambling about my confused brain.

Sorry Guys.

I just don't have anything positive to write about. If I can't shake this in another week or so, I'm hitting up a doctor's office. Especially because I'm entering into the "busy busy busy" mode, where I am working 2 jobs and going to school full time. And I don't want to go into crisis mode in the middle of that.

I feel so lame. So many people are dealing with so much more than me. And yet I can't get off my butt and deal with anything. The simple act of calling my cable company (internet randomly went out yesterday), or shoveling snow, or doing dishes... any normal tasks seem to be almost more than I'm up to. And I have managed so far, but not that well.

Sidenote. Is there anyone around who would maybe like to take a mile-or-two walk around 12:30 or 1pm semi-regularly? Because I'm usually free, and I bet that being outside and using my muscles and talking to someone could only be a good thing. It's only an idea, and I can always take Buddy with, but I would probably like it more if a "grown-up" was around.

Slacker!

Seriously, I'm someone who sets a goal to post every other day. Or, at least 3 times a week. And I have NOT been making that goal.

Which is horrible! Because I have a new camera and everything! But I'm not using it. Or, I am, but not enough. Or, maybe it's just that right now we're not doing too many exciting things...

We're trying to get back into the swing of school. I've tried really hard to get a better schedule for next semester, so I have crammed all my classes into the morning, or taken them online. This way I don't have to pay as much for daycare, and also Buddy gets to be home for a few hours in-between daycare and his ever-changing flow of babysitters.

The only consequence of this schedule is that we now have to wake up an hour earlier to get to school on time. And that's not a HUGE deal, but it's tough because we're used to having a nice calm hour and a half to get ready, and now he either has to wake up earlier (which is hard since he barely gets enough sleep as it is) or he has to sacrifice his morning TV show/lazing around snuggling with momma. And he doesn't like either option.

Buddy at 1:30 this afternoon (he doesn't usually take naps anymore.)

 Honestly, neither do I... especially since there is no way I can get him to bed earlier at night and I always have at least 1 1/2 hours of homework plus now I'm doing more online classes which is gonna be way more work. And usually I don't have a chance to do the homework until after Bud goes to bed, so that means I'm not gonna get enough sleep either.


Ugh. Goodnight everyone. I'm too busy worrying about things that have already happened/things that may never happen to make any sense. Hooray anxiety and depression.

P.S. I started taking Vitamin D about a week ago now, hopefully that will help.
P.P.S. My grandma sent me a sun-lamp, I'm trying it out and it's tough to find time to sit in front of it for an hour or so... but I'm hoping that will help too.
P.P.P.S. I'm worrying that none of it is going to help. Because the worrying has gotten so out of control recently. I think I may need to go back to counseling at the very least, maybe even have a meeting with my Dr.

Damn it. (Excuse the language.)