Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Dear God,

I know that in the past I haven't always behaved perfectly. I have messed up plenty of jobs, screwed up plenty of semesters of school, probably not taken care of my son as well as I should have...

But I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I have a job. I try to do the best I can at it. I care about the kids I work with, and try to think of things they would enjoy doing. I work hard at school. I want to get this new degree, and be able to find some sort of job/career in which I can actually use the things I'm really good at, instead of just stumbling by in some minimum wage job.

I have been sleeping poorly for at least a month. I got sleeping pills from my doctor last week, and I'm still staying up half the night. For instance: Saturday night I chose not to go out with my friends, since drinking too much alcohol is (obviously) not good for my anxiety. I still stayed up till 3am, worried that I had alienated my friends. Sunday I stayed up til 5am, and had to wake up around 6:30. Monday night (thank God) I slept from 12 midnight till 6:30, but that really didn't make up for all the hours I have missed.

Tonight, it's 11:40. My heart races just thinking about trying to lay in bed and fall asleep. I tried to read a book in bed earlier, just being in my bedroom made me so nervous I had to take a walk around my block.

I want this all to get better. I want to be able to be a great parent to my son, a great student, a great worker... and I worry (go figure) that the longer I am unable to cope with all of this, the more of my goals will fall to the wayside.

I'm going to see a therapist weekly, I'm working with a doctor to find decent meds, I'm trying to be more aware of my diet, I'm focusing on getting in more exercise...

I hope sometime soon it all works.
Sorry for my first post back to be a negative one. I'm just CRAZY frustrated and trying to do all the right things, and none of it is working. It makes me want to scream.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry, that sounds horrible. I have been having trouble sleeping lately, too. I find that being really really physically tired (as in, swim laps until you want to die, etc) helps a lot and staying away from screens (especially facebook) as much as possible. But I'm sure you have tried so many things, so mostly I'm just posting to let you know I'm thinking of you <3