I know that in the past I haven't always behaved perfectly. I have messed up plenty of jobs, screwed up plenty of semesters of school, probably not taken care of my son as well as I should have...
But I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I have a job. I try to do the best I can at it. I care about the kids I work with, and try to think of things they would enjoy doing. I work hard at school. I want to get this new degree, and be able to find some sort of job/career in which I can actually use the things I'm really good at, instead of just stumbling by in some minimum wage job.
I have been sleeping poorly for at least a month. I got sleeping pills from my doctor last week, and I'm still staying up half the night. For instance: Saturday night I chose not to go out with my friends, since drinking too much alcohol is (obviously) not good for my anxiety. I still stayed up till 3am, worried that I had alienated my friends. Sunday I stayed up til 5am, and had to wake up around 6:30. Monday night (thank God) I slept from 12 midnight till 6:30, but that really didn't make up for all the hours I have missed.
Tonight, it's 11:40. My heart races just thinking about trying to lay in bed and fall asleep. I tried to read a book in bed earlier, just being in my bedroom made me so nervous I had to take a walk around my block.
I want this all to get better. I want to be able to be a great parent to my son, a great student, a great worker... and I worry (go figure) that the longer I am unable to cope with all of this, the more of my goals will fall to the wayside.
I'm going to see a therapist weekly, I'm working with a doctor to find decent meds, I'm trying to be more aware of my diet, I'm focusing on getting in more exercise...
I hope sometime soon it all works.
Sorry for my first post back to be a negative one. I'm just CRAZY frustrated and trying to do all the right things, and none of it is working. It makes me want to scream.