As Usual.

Just as things normally go, I've been doing better for a few months which means that now I'm feeling a little weird. And by a little, I mean I haven't been able to be as present for my friends, and I've been downright toxic to my family.

I saw this coming a few weeks ago. Luckily I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday. I wish in the meantime I hadn't managed to go off the deep end with the people who will always put up with me.

This weekend I went Up North and the main cabin was full. So we stayed with my grandparents. Which meant I sort of slept on a couch, and sort of slept on a pull out cot. As we all know, I need structure in my life to deal with my anxiety. And I need a "safe place" to retreat if things are overwhelming to me. A cot in the middle of the room is not safe. It was just a bad plan, and had I realized what the actual situation was going to be I might not have gone Up North at all.

For some reason I thought my brother, all his friends, and my dad were all sleeping in tents. Turned out that was way wrong. So I had to somehow factor other people into my sleeping situation.

I feel so dumb blaming things on mental illness. How do you tell your family "well, I haven't slept in a few days (which is normal) and it's that time of the month (obviously also normal), but also I'm more mentally ill than normal. So much so that I already called my doctor 2 weeks ago, and have been talking to my therapist about more medication options."

You guys. I was horrible this weekend. My brother and I have our issues, but I was just over the top. I mean, he wasn't perfect either, but I took things to a crazy (literally) extreme.

I'll post pictures of the "ideal" vacation sometime this week. Because even though I was nutty, I did manage to have some fun. But seriously, I'm really glad to talk to my doctor again this week. Because I'm really tired of not being able to deal with life.